Peter pan that place between sleep and awake

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When I finally arrived at the hospital, they were already in a room at Emergency attempting to give Jimmy a second-round of anti-seizure medication. Someone came to talk to us. Then someone said they were going to need to intubate him and lots of medical people entered the room with all kinds of equipment.

Where did you decide? Where would you choose? Just tell us what to do! Can we both go together? It seemed that Jimmy continued to seize and a foamy vomit formed around the tube. With tears and snot running down my face, we kissed and I walked quickly out to the parking lot. I could hear and see the copter atop the hospital. By far, the worst part — not being next to Jimmy. I was also starving. It was already p. When I arrived at the hospital, we walked in and navigated on our own where to go.

We learned I had to go through admitting, first. While I filled out paperwork, Zach was busy watching the ICU team struggle with keeping the intubation; Jimmy kept rejecting it and vomiting more. It felt like an interrogation, but soon we became used to providing every single detail that may or may not have led up to why we were here, at this crossroads.

I felt comfortable with all of the various doctors and nurse practitioners and nurses who would love on our Jimmy, but none as much as Dr. In a way, she held our hands through that first day and really listened while she observed and interacted with Jimmy.

Of course, they had immediately tested for COVID negative but found he had three other viruses in his little body rotavirus , adenovirus , and chlamydial pneumonia. He felt warm to me, so I knew he was feverish. Because of the trouble with the breathing tube, they did sedate him, again. So, I assumed he was so sleepy because of all of the sedatives.

Apparently sleep is important after seizures, but only so much. On this day, I learned what a day without one of those smiles from him feels like. Around p. Even with Jimmy seemingly out of it, four of us struggled holding him still while they placed almost 30 different receptors around his skull. I found this slightly comforting and a little bit eerie; the lead practitioner said it was a good sign. I took any good news as gold. As he came-to and finally opened his eyes at times over the next couple of hours, there was a moment when he sleepily looked at my face and clumsily leaned forward.

I knew he wanted a kiss. I planted one on his little mouth. He came out of all of the anesthesia, slowly. He had some trouble with his gross and fine motor skills, and it was terrifying seeing him challenged with gripping a spoon full of ice chips and bringing it to his mouth. How did he know that? That place between sleep and awake… They ruled out major infections and started talking to us about epilepsy.

Focal epilepsy , to be exact. They ordered an MRI to ensure there were no masses anywhere on his brain that was causing either of these things. He loved ordering from the cafeteria menu from his TV remote! We met with so many different physicians and specialists and nursing teams and we attempted to play with Jimmy in the small room. Zach came in with ice cream, at some point. We only told Jimmy he was having a picture taken of his brain. Zach went with him to this procedure.

That's where I'll be waiting. Soon after my return home, my father suffered a stroke. This body of work speaks about the uncertainty of health and illness, and of the emotional and psychological weight of role reversal resulting in the act of caregiving toward a parent. This work reflects the struggle for balance that I am striving to attain between the personal guilt and worry that I carry from being far away from my family and the equanimity that I feel from not having to hold the responsibility.

The work also addresses the paradoxical state of the silence and loneliness of my new home, with the comfort and familiarity of my old home, As well as the memories, experiences, and relationships that these spaces once held.